Adolescence can be a tough time for both children and parents. Parents start to feel a sense of loss as their children grow increasingly independent. To help parents navigate these choppy waters, the DHEF Wellbeing team is holding three sessions in 2023.
Understanding what is happening to our children during the teenage years is a first step. In the second of the three sessions, child and family therapist Georgia Chataway from the charity Wilfrid’s House, explained that adolescence is a significant stage in brain development. Modern imaging technology has shown that brain activity during adolescence is as huge as in the early years. Indeed, the thinking brain continues to develop into the mid-twenties. During this time a pruning process is going on, in which the teenage brain is cutting away information it no longer needs, allowing new passions and interests to develop.
The reason teens appear to be self-absorbed is because they are discovering their personal identify. They are viewing their “looking glass” self, working out how others see them. Their peer group is all important. Studies show that teenagers make different decisions when they are being watched by their peers, from those they make in other circumstances.
“This is the time for parents to step away,” says Georgia. Parents need to recognise that their role has changed and to move forward with their teenage children. However, the family is still important. It is the secure base which gives teens the confidence to take their own independent steps away.
“Interdependence” describes a good parent/teen relationship, where the child and the parent are working together, rather than working against each other. “Parenting still applies,” says Georgia. “And good enough parenting still applies. There’s no such thing as the perfect parent.”
So how do parents move forward? “We evolve”, Georgia tells us. As parents we move from being a teacher to being a manager, and by the time our child reaches adolescence, we become a coach. Being a coach is all about believing in our teenage children and supporting them in discovering what they are capable of. In the same way as a sports coach works to get the best out of the players, a parent as coach cheers on the teenager, commiserates when things go wrong and, critically, sets boundaries and expectations.
“I love the idea of parents being the coaches” says Consuelo who has three teenage daughters. “This is a crucial role for ‘team family’ to work.”
“There’s a tug of war going on during adolescence,” says Georgia. “Teens want their own freedom and parents are pulling back.” This is a time of intense negotiation. But it is possible to maintain close ties with your teenager while not threatening their individuality. Authoritative parenting is the best model. This where the parent is warm, but firm and consistent and also sets out boundaries. Now is the time for parents to give explanations for the rules rather than meting out punishments.
Control is a central issue for parents of teenagers. “If we feel out of control,” says Georgia, “we’ll cause anxiety in our teenagers and we’ll resort to rigid discipline.” Against this there is so-called “perceived control”. Research shows that the more parents perceive they are in control, the more effective they will be. Georgia recommends having a plan and taking time to sit down and talk with our teenager. The best outcomes of such conversations are when teenagers disclose information, rather than parents seeking information. This builds trust and friendship, and parents feel more in control.
The adolescent years are not only about supporting our children. As parents we must take care of ourselves and not let our capacity cup start to overflow. Georgia encourages mothers to talk to friends going through the same experiences. She points out that there are plenty of groups for mums with babies, but nothing for mums with teenagers.
Maruska is at the workshop with her friend: “We both love it. Attending a workshop like this, we immediately feel empowered because we are not alone.”
And for Consuelo: “This has been a great opportunity to pause, put on the handbrake and really think about the art of bringing up our adolescent children in the middle of our busy lives.”
The adolescent years may seem like a tug of war, but Georgia sets out an approach where parent and child can both be on the winning team.
